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I think I changed my mind every two months when I was a child. My first ever dream job? Being a Gift-wrapper (I’m pretty sure there’s no such title) at a supermarket. I guess that if your parents allow you to wrap a few Christmas gifts when you’re a 6-year-old kid, it can be such an exciting and life-changing experience that you picture an entire career around it.
When I realised that it could be a bit challenging to support myself being a Gift-wrapper – let’s not forget, it’s a seasonal activity, and I was a child of very distinctive and luxurious tastes – I decided I wanted something else for my life. Something more achievable and that paid better. I wanted to become a pop singer.
My mom always made me believe I was incredibly talented (to all the kids out there, please don’t trust your moms) and supported my singing and dancing. I wrote songs, produced music videos and performed to a live audience of three loyal fans (mom, dad and grandmother).
As you may imagine, I didn’t become a pop singer.
But it didn’t stop there.
After that, I dreamed to become a hair stylist, an actress, a photographer, a supermarket cashier, a school teacher, you name it. Though I think it’s pretty normal for a kid to change her mind every couple of months, I found it amazing that some children have a very clear vision of what they want for their lives from an early age.
On my final year of high school, I decided to become a marketer. I went to college to study marketing management, but in my final year, I had a very clear vision that was not what I wanted for my life. I didn’t relate to the mindset of a marketer.
And now, a side story (a lot of deep life reflexions here, sorry)
I don’t consider that the 17-year-old Carlota was aware. Aware of the world around her. She wasn’t in touch with herself or what was around her. I feel my mind was very ignorant, uninterested, unconcerned and uninformed. Now that I think about that time, I believe I was a much more ignorant, uninterested, unconcerned and uninformed person than I am today (not that I became a genius or something).
When I got into college, I surrounded myself with new people, started reading more, being attentive to the news, listening to more and better music and learning a bit about art.
All of this boosted my mind. I felt I was becoming more complete. And it wasn’t forced. It was a fluid process: the more I expanded my fields of interest, the happier I was, the more I wanted to learn.
At the same time, somehow the thought of life and death became more present. I’m not sure what sparked it. I think it was a mix of all the information I was now opened to receive. They say that ignorance is bliss, and now I understood why. The awareness of the brevity of life and everlasting oblivion had a great impact on a shift in mindset and beliefs, and what I became after college.
And now, back to the main story – the shift
I was frustrated that I had wasted a degree and that I couldn’t make up my mind. This shift was what allowed me to stop blaming myself for not knowing what I wanted from life and to be constantly changing my mind. I learned to accept that and thought of ways of embracing that recklessness.
I understood and embraced the fact that I don’t want A thing for the rest of my life. I don’t want to become A marketer, or A manager, or A CEO. I want it all. I want to make the most out of the time I have to learn, try and explore various areas – or arts, as I prefer to call them.
Right now I want to learn design and web development. But I also want to have a shot in event management and artist management. I also want to do a masters in illustration or photography. Or maybe both. Maybe what I really want to do is to move to a desert island, buy a caravan and have a bar by the beach.
I don’t have a clue.
But I’ll tell you this: I hate it when people look at me sideways because every time they ask me “What do you want to do next?” I always give them a different answer. It doesn’t scare me not having a clue, or everything figured out. What scares me is settling and forgetting what I wrote down on this post.